Monday, September 28, 2009

No One Feels At Home In Them

Today, I felt the best I've felt in about a week. Some may say it's because Mercury is about to un-retrograde. I think its because I felt an inkling of hope today. 

I took Paul out for breakfast at 8:30 this morning we went to the Panakin Cafe. Paul has this weird thing he's been doing for about 5 years now and that is bending over like he's bobbing for an apple but there's no reason for it. People always look out the corner of their eye at him like 'what's wrong with that guy? He got a really bad back?' At any rate its just a compulsion he has nothing wrong with his back. So we got some of those looks. 

It was great getting him out of that life sucking nursing home, not to get me wrong, he lives in a relatively nice one where I and his friends can visit him regularly, but there's something innately wrong with nursing homes. No one feels at home in them. That seems like such a simple fix. 

I could see Pauls mood lighten being out in the sunshine, er overcast sunshine, and seeing all the regular folks waiting in line for their morning coffee. While eating I texted our friend Lenny Kaye who's in the studio with one of my favorite musicians Patti Smith. So Paul dictated a nice hello to them and rah rah in the studio sort of thing. That was fun. 

Sure its great knowing a well known musician like Lenny but the real fun of it for me was the comm exchange with someone outside my daily routine someone in that fun place of all fun places New York City. (I used to live there, it really is that fun). It made my day just picturing my friend tooling around on the subway heading up to the studio in the city. 

I think the hardest thing for me in my life has always been to put my name down on a dotted line and commit myself to a person, place or thing. A contract. A paper or statement of responsibility. I didn't even want to sign with the first tour booking agent back in the late 80s and my manager made me do by saying, "contracts are made to be broken" and hey he was right the booking agency broke the contract a year and a half later. 

Now I'm under contract with myself to be a "good  person", make sure my son goes to his school each day and stay in a town where Paul can be in a nice nursing home where a few of his friends can visit him. 

A few years ago I imagined myself moving to the east coast where a musician like me can tour easily because the distances between big cities aren't so  huge. Now I have many reasons to stay here in this town I've lived in for 15 years. But I long to venture elsewhere. 


  1. You have a talent for spilling your guts, Cindy. Some say it's essential to being a good artist.

    P.S.: "The music industry is like swimming in a toilet filled with sharks." -- Iggy Pop

  2. I enjoy reading your words, Cindy - would be nice to get together sometime soon, it's been too long. Isn't strange what life brings our way? I admire you stepping up and committing yourself to doing what you think is right. Love the love you give. Much love to you, Patti

  3. Wonderful to discover this blog. I'll put it on the list and visit daily.

  4. Thank you for this,Cindy. It makes me feel less far away and helpless. Please give my love to Paul next time you see him.

    Ellen Sander

  5. Visiting Panakin Cafe vicariously is a special new treat for me. I can see the sunlight shine through the trees onto the smiles of you and Paul as you enjoy the moment and a spot of brew. Home is where your heart is and this heart is with you too. Thanks for sharing the view from your minds eye. Hugs to you, Paul and Alexander. Love Keith