Birthday Greetings For Paul

Today is Paul Williams (aka Crawdaddy, or daddy of Craw?) birthday and he received a flood of happy greetings via my Facebook account. I read them to him at noon today over his favorite lunch, a chili relleno burrito from Juanita's taco stand. Paul teared up and dabbed his nose a number of times while listening, a few of the comments even brought him some laughs .... Below I share with you a few of those messages from an illustrious array of fans and friends...

Joshua Nye Paul, several years ago you did me the courtesy of meeting w/me to discuss your recollections of hearing the acetates for "Smile". I so greatly appreciate having the opportunity to listen. Thank you, and happy birthday.

M.J. Stevens Yeah, we are still out here reading your stuff, Paul. Thanks, and Happy Birthday.

Scott Kempner

Happy Birthday Paul - I discovered Crawdaddy in the summer of 67, with Issue 9. It changed my life - for the better, & set me on the path of being a lifelong musician. I came to befriend R. Meltzer, who is the Godfather of my band, The Dictators (Pearlman was our manager), & it began my lifelong passion for smart, impassioned rock criticism. I treasure all those early issues, which i still own, & are never more than an arm's length away. They're still in perfect shape. They still hold their magic. I grew up in the world of rock criticsim, with Lester, Greil was my father in law for five years, Landau, et al. I have a band called The Del-Lords, make solo albums, & work with the great Dion DiMucci. I am not sure how much of this blessed life would have happened without you. Thanx for everything. And, i do mean everything.

Todd Everett Happy birthday to one of the pioneers, from one of his many acolytes. If we were in the same room, I'd shake your hand.

Arn McConnell Happy birthday to a writer who was influencing me long before I even knew who he was!

Cynthia Lawless happiest 63rd birthday to one of the greatest hits of the 20th century! congrats, Paul!

Mick Gray Happy Birthday to one of THE GREAT ROCK N ROLL WRITERS!!! I wish you a very special day. Paul!

Dave Weil Thank you for the days, Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me. I'm thinking of the days, I won't forget a single day, believe me.

Thankfully, we don't need to sing the second verse because you're still here shining the light!

Rock Critics Anything for the man that made trips to Target worthwhile growing up (straight to the mag rack). Have a very Happy Birthday, Paul!

Peter Stampfel happy birthday, and thank you massively for glorious shitloads!

David Beckham Happy Birthday Paul, Thank you for offering us all Das Energi. I have made it a gift for so many. Also thank you for "Only Apparently Real" and keeping PKD alive for us.

Steven Ben-Off Abrams Happy birthday, Paul! I picked up "Das Energi" as a teenager in the late 70s, really dug it & then was pleasantly surprised when I caught up with your later work & found it to be just as exciting and worthwhile. Thanks for being a good influence on me!

Jocelyn Ertel Das Energi, one of the key books of my life. Happy Birthday Paul!

Rainer Vesely Happy birthday from Austria, Paul!

Michael Rapp happy birthday from your friends at Swarthmore College

Steve Stiles A very happy birthday to you, ol' pal. And merry unbirthdays later.

Gary Heffern birthday greetings from finland paul!

Art Linton Happy Birthday, Paul! You touched my life in a profound way with your writings, especially Das Energi. Eternal thanks to you! Happy birthday! Many happy returns of the day to you! Cheers and all best wishes! Peace and grace.

Gary Schulstad Happy Birthday Paul, Thanks for your friendship; for all the connections you provided between inspiring people, for the direction you gave to hear music in new ways, for deepening my appreciation of life using truths you discovered, and for opening my eyes to numerous and different adventures to experience.

Bob Colby An extremely happy birthday to you, and thanks for all that your writing has done for me and all of us!

Charles R. Cross happy b day paul... your smile and that of your family, can be seen and felt all the way up here in Seattle.

Roy F. Good Happy Birthday! You are the common thread through many people I've met and memories I have...happiness and peace down the road...

Keith Shiraki Happy Birthday Paul, Thank you for sharing your passion for the music that moves you with us. You are blessed with a beautiful and loving wife and son. I treasure the conversations we have shared. Your words continue to inspire past, present and future readers. Peace.

Dan Chusid Happy Birthday Paul! I still have my early Crawdaddys and will never let them go.

David G. Hartwell Happy birthday, Paul. I am going to visit in the fall. Seems like a long time since we last caught up.

Karl Fitzke Paul, Happy Birthday from upstate NY. I treasure the time my family and I got to spend with you and your family when we lived in San Diego. I also love your very personal style of writing which we still get to enjoy despite being so far away. Rock on, brother. You are the gold standard. -Karl

Bart Mann Happy birthday Paul. Thank you for an inspirational career. Oh and thank you for believing in and supporting Phillip K Dick.

Robert Collyer I was a big Crawdaddy fan..mother jones..all that stuff. Paul ! Thanks for making my bleek life in the foggy potato fields of the early 70's in Germany a somewhat joyful one !!!

Debra Ruzinsky Paul, you have touched our lives deeply! We love you and wish we were there to tell you in person. Happy Birthday from Deb,McNevin, and Nathan.

Matthew Wilson Happy birthday to a man whose writing has expanded my mind and spirit!

Letter From A Friend Who's Father Has Had A Stroke...

Dear Cindy Lee,

If I remember correctly, Paul was prescribed anti-depressants when he was irritable and quick-tempered. That was the first I'd heard about anti-depressants being used to calm someone, but it makes sense.

I ask because my dad has been pretty short-tempered with my mom since coming home from the hospital. I know many people are depressed after a stroke and are prescribed anti-depressants, so I think he should be on them, too, and I hope I'm remembering correctly that they may improve his temper.

That's what I wanted to ask about. Can anti-depressants also calm someones temper? I think he should be on them, but I thought I'd ask about your experience with them.

How goes your efforts to get a life again? After you played the song "The Heavy" for me, I went to your blog site and heard it again. That's a good version, but you have to hear what it sounds like played over the phone some day.

-Gary

Hi Gary,

This is what I think:

When Paul was in the early stages of recovery from his brain injury (yeah, a stoke is a brain injury), even the first year, he would fly off the handle with anything and anybody. The brain becomes overwhelmed and hasn't gotten the new neurotransmitter routes in place yet and has to work harder, so the individual becomes irritable and irrational, overwhelmed. Your dad should be getting some out-patient rehab, they can talk to you about all this stuff.

There is a brain injury chart called the Rancho Los Amigos Chart which explains what you might expect of your dad, in the coming months...things to look for. You cant expect him to be rational, his brain isnt functioning properly. I had a caregiver at home some of the time, during these first few months, after bringing Paul home from the hospital...

http://www.braininjury.com/recovery.html

They likely, won't prescribe your dad antidepressants until he lands in a recovery zone in a year or so...until then they will consider him still in recovery and thus moving through the various stages mentioned in the Los Amigos Chart...

That's my take on it alll....sorry you're going through all this..its tough stuff. And my two bits is that your mother should not be taking care of him any more...just my opinion. It was hard enough for me and I was many many years younger than her...clb

Cindy Lee,

Thanks so much for the information. It's all helpful. My mom does have help at home, so she's not just taking care of him herself. I also should say he's mostly been positive and cooperative, but sometimes he gets frustrated and depressed, and that's when he loses his temper.

And sure, you can use our conversation about my dad in your blog and even use my name.

glw

Magnificent Other

About six months ago, I wrote about being in the studio, mixing and putting vocals on tracks I'd originally recorded back in 1999 and 2000 (and previously unreleased),...this is one of the songs. The story on this and the other seven songs goes back to a blog entry I posted in August 2010...I was listening to the songs today, driving by the ocean, on my way home from work and thought I'd let you in on some of the sounds that will be released sometime later this year...

This tune, Magnificent Other (1999), features vocals by me, Lindsey Troy and Anna Troy, with Randy Hoffman (vibraphone), Renata Bratt (cello), Roger Manning (keyboards), Chris Davies (lead guitar), Stew (rhythm guitar), Stephen Hodges (drums), Justin Meldal Johnson (bass), Mike Harris (recording engineer), Lee Ray (mixing engineer), CLB (the final word)

Some Paul Williams Books Seeking A Home

A few days ago I received a letter from a friend of Paul's writings, Julian Dean (he last year threw a big PK Dick fest in Colorado), who is looking for a home for some of his books. I told him I'd post his correspondence on my site here in the hopes that one of you would write to him and let him send you the following books....

Hello,

I am reducing my personal cargo, which translates into having just taken 100 books to the library. I have a box of Paul’s books. Among them is the big old 1972 hardbound, Time Between, and an assortment of Apple Bay and the others from that era, some Dylan books, an upside down bound Int’l Bill of Human Rights, and so on and so forth.

I have been wanting to find an appreciative home for them rather than let them mold in my garage. I live in a cottage with minimal book shelves, and am looking for a cheaper and quieter place to move to. So I am needing to lighten my load.

Would you like me to ship the box to you? I would love it if you would have any use for the treasures.

Thanks SO MUCH for your blog. I love reading it.

Julian Dean

juliandean@me.com

Medi-Cal

Tomorrow is Easter. It's been a challenging month. But it's almost over. Today I got the papers together, requested by MediCal, to prove that Paul should stay eligible for their program, so they'll continue to pay for his nursing home care.

They did this last year too, ha, right after they approved him. So it looks like once a year, right around tax time, I'll have to pull out the bank statements, my work-pay stubs,.....the title on the car, stuff like that to prove we don't have a bunch of money squirreled away.

They give you about a week and a half to pull it together and send it in to 'em. It's sort of like an unspoken threat. If you don't do it right, and on time, you get dumped and have to start all over again. I understand, the state is trying to find ways to save money, cut the budget...So that's why I'm doing this paper sifting now. I'll feel a lot better about chocolate Easter bunnies knowing I got my papers all lined up today.

The Heavy

I know I've been slacking with keeping things up and moving on my beloved blog....but, for heavens sake, I've been busy writing songs. So I thought I'd let you in on one of my new ones, something I wrote 2 days ago in fact, and since I've been at home this weekend nursing a sore throat, I thought I'd learn how to use iMovie as well (please forgive the indulgences)...

The song is called The Heavy and there are times we all have to play the role. I've done it at my husbands nursing home enough times now that they are afraid to tell me that the hearing aids have gone missing again. I've come to like the nurses there quite a lot, they do the work that most of us would run away from, and they do it day after day. I don't know how they have the stamina, honestly. I find it difficult to go in and take Paul out once a week. The smells, the hungry looks from the tenants. I can honestly say, it hasn't gotten easier.

* * *

We normally take Paul out for a few hours. Today we drove into downtown Encinitas, two blocks from the beach, very near our apartment, it has the feel of old surf country Southern California, like I remember Newport and Laguna Beach having as a little kid.

Paul and Alexander were up for a frozen yogurt and as we drove through the green light, next to the popular dessert place, a bicyclist ran through his red light and was hit by a young motorist. Right before our very eyes. He rolled over the hood and windshield and fell on his side. The motorist, who looked no more than 19 got out to see the bicyclist hopping up and brushing off his limbs. He was okay.

This was just a block away from the Big Hill where Paul had his initial brain injury, on a bicycle, in 1995 (April 15th). It was all a big memory cluster for me. But Paul didn't even notice the bicyclist and i took a breath, we parked and had a treat.

The memory of that day still lives on in me, not in Paul. He's done with it, as he is done with many of his memories. Fortunately he still remembers me and Alexander, and if he doesn't, then he does a remarkable job of enjoying the company of strangers. And that is good enough for me.

Traumatic Brain Injury And The Bank Book

As tax time approaches I am reminded of tax times past. And budget making. In conversation recently with a good friend I mentioned how nice it is to be in a place where I don't owe anything. Not that I don't have bills, like: rent, food, child care, phone, etc...but we don't have credit card debt or mortgage debt. A few years ago, when everyone I knew was buying a house or trading up...I felt kinda like a loser, ya know renting. (I read an article though around that time that asked the question: Where do you want to put your money, a house or travel? Personally, I'd rather travel, I know Paul felt the same way.)

At any rate, it wasn't easy to be debt free, we had to make some decisions some while back. When I met Paul in 1992 he was very keen on the idea of keeping out of debt and had some very low numbers on his credit card. At that point I'd never even had a credit card. In 1994 we began living together here in Encinitas, I got my first credit card and was able to rent a car to go on tour and play gigs, it was great. I learned from Paul that I needed to pay off the amount on the card as soon as possible. That was all good.

In 1995 Paul's traumatic brain injury (for new comers/bike accident, no helmet) happened and he was in the hospital for a month and then outpatient rehab for another. I was so involved in the caregiving that I barely kept up on the bills. That had been the thing that Paul did. He was Mr. Responsible-Guy. When I got around to paying bills I noticed there wasn't much to pay on his credit cards which was great. After a few months Paul was "better" and back to taking care of our bills.

Now jump to 2002, Paul and I had a one year old baby, and Paul tells me President Bush and crew will be doing away with the kind of bankruptcy that allows individuals to escape from extreme credit card debt, and he thinks we should file.

I had about eight thousand dollars accumulated on my card, all from urgent medical type stuff, but Paul had a debt of over fifty thousand dollars! I was stunned and agreed to go through with the bankruptcy. After the bankruptcy took hold and we were released of our debt load my credit card company called me, the guy on the phone said to me "you paid your bills up until the bankruptcy and it was only $100. a month, you had great credit, why did you do it?" I told him my husband had fifty thousand on his cards and had a brain injury." He was sympathetic and agreed he'd have done the same thing.

Here's the puzzle: After the brain injury why did I think Paul could still handle the bills, and could pay for most everything, like he had before? Clearly, the fifty thousand dollars had accumulated over the years since 1995.

Years later a good friend and I poured over Paul's past bills and paper work, strewn around his office in a crazy godforsaken manner, we found signs of his growing dementia and perhaps even signs that he hadn't "recovered" from the initial brain injury as well as we'd imagined. Paul had been using his credit card to pay for some of our most basic expenses, sometimes rent, often groceries...the kind of stuff you never want to use credit for, and the stuff he would have never bought on credit in his pre-brain injury mode.

I thank Paul now, for pushing us, convincing me, that it was imperative to file bankruptcy. In a way, it was the old Mr. Responsible-Paul showing himself again for a brief and final interlude. I see it as Paul, on some level knowing he was falling apart, falling into dementia, knowing he wasn't coming back and setting things straight for the future, for me and our young son Alexander.

Whether credit card bankruptcy should exist (it doesn't now)...I don't know. I do know I'm thankful that my family was given a chance to get out of a terrible debt, that I wouldn't be able to handle on my own today, that was caused by the confusion and denial surrounding traumatic brain injury.

Paul Williams, Philip K Dick and the Buddha

A few months ago I made the dreaded trek to our storage space, in fact it was prompted by a visit from Paul's dear friend Laura, she very kindly offering to help me pilfer through some of the many files of letters Paul kept. Letters and papers related to her father, visionary science fiction writer and literary hero

Philip K Dick. A good number of films have been based on either writings of Phil's or inspired by his writings (Total Recall, Blade Runner, Minority Report etc). As many of you know Paul was a friend of Phil's and after Phil's death in 1982 the family made Paul the literary executor of the estate.

There, at storage space 44, amongst the boxes of papers, cassette tapes of multitudinous Bob Dylan shows, varieties of used books, and Paul's own books, I found a virgin box of his books called Only Apparently Real, which is a charming little book about his friend ship with Philip K Dick and conversations with Phil including the 1975 Rolling Stone profile piece.

I have a lovely relationship with this book. It's very dear to me. It was one of the first of Paul's books that I read after meeting him in 1992. Recently I've ventured to rereading it, loving again, the first paragraph in the introduction....

"To give a sense of who Philip K. Dick was or is, I must bring him into the present, or, if you prefer, bring you into his presence. Often what we feel when we are struck by a person's writing or music or art is the presence of that personality; Picasso is a good example. Some personalities dominate us completely by charming us constantly. This can be a problem in life or politics, but in the creative arts it is most desirable. Consider Mozart or Shakespeare. And such is the nature of charm that we often fail to notice that we have fallen under a spell. "

* * *

In the stories of the Buddha there is often a reference to a friend of his, the venerable Ananda who accompanied the Buddha, it seems, most every where. Ananda appears to be one of those guys that has the genius capacity to remember everything spoken. And indeed that was his job with the Buddha, he remembered what was said at a speaking engagement and relayed it back to the community of monks. An especially formidable talent in a time where few could read or write.

This Ananda character has always fascinated me. Someone who had that kind of memory, remembering whole speech's or conversations. It's an unusual genius. Something that seems to be in savant realm. As a teenager I had a friend who had an older 30 year old brother they used say he was mentally retarded, Rocky, he could remember every line from a TV show he'd seen, or who said what in an Abbot and Costello film. He was a savant and a sweet heart.

Paul had this kind of memory. He really had an immense ability to retain facts. You can see this, to some extent, in the conversations transcribed in Only Apparently Real. Often Philip K Dick defers to Paul on information about Phil's own life, dates and times. Paul becomes a sort of Ananda to Phil's Buddha.

* * *

In 1999 Paul decided to memorize The Diamond Sutra from the Buddha's teachings. He was proud of the fact that he could take a walk on the beach each evening and recite it to himself. It was impressive but I wondered what it was for. He didn't talk much about what the words meant actually.

Paul and I were separated most of that year, shortly after we got back together Paul went on retreat at our local Buddhist monastary, Deer Park, which is a community started by Thich Nhat Hahn (who mostly lives in France) and his monks and nuns. Thay (Nhat Hahn) was over seeing this retreat and invited the community to go on a silent mindful, slow walk up the nearby mountain one afternoon. Near the top the group sat or stood in silence looking out over the California chapparal. Then Thay invited the members of the group to speak if they so wished. Paul spoke up quickly, according to him and a friend that was present, and began to reel off, in its entirety, the relatively long (maybe 20-30 minutes) Diamond Sutra.

What did Thich Nhat Hahn do, I wondered. Did he keep his cool? Evidently, though several community members tried to get Paul's attention and get him to stop, Thay did not. In fact he asked Paul to continue allowing him a chance to play out his Ananda abilities. I'm told Thich Nhat Hahn sat back and enjoyed the view and the words.

PHOTO/ UPDATE

On our way to pick up Paul in the rental car we've had for 3 weeks. I'm gonna have to buy a car this week. Oh boy (sigh).
Alexander and I brought Paul home from the nursing home. He gets about 2 showers a week there. That is he sits on a plastic stool and water sprays on him and he soaps up a bit, brrrr. So I set him up with a bubble bath here at the apartment. He was so thrilled he fell asleep within five minutes. (from a spouse's perspective: I rarely see Paul unclothed anymore, it was weird in a way, seeing Paul asleep, naked in the bath, and thinking...if it weren't for his dementia he could be laying there bathing, like he did 9 years ago, he doesn't look that different. Sad, someone so healthy physically and the mind just not. He'll probably live to be 100 like his grandfather )
After his shower we sat at the computer and took some family photos. I let Paul push the button to capture a moment or two of his choice.
The family that mugs together stays together, eh?

* * *

Update: post car accident.

Our car was officially declared totaled last week. Now they'll be sending around some kind of check for me to go out and buy a new car. It turns out the guy that caused the crash is in dispute as to whether he actually has insurance or not. Apparently he hasn't paid his bills. At any rate, he was driving a rental car and I'm told the rental company will then have to pony up for the bill.

As some of you friends know, I've been coping with alot of lingering head and neck pain post accident. The hardest part for me is not being able to get my constitutional exercise which is normally running 1-3 miles about 5 times a week. It sucks. And then the second hardest thing is being at work, teaching some really cool kids that are excited about playing guitar riffs, and having to keep on the thermal shoulder wraps and doing the advil. I'm hoping to pick up some vicodin at the doc's this week. At least a glass of wine helps in the evenings.

I'm able to do about half as much stuff as normal, kinda pacing myself. Alexander is doing much better. He has some neck and head pain when he's working for an hour or more on Lego's but otherwise he says he feels pretty good. We've both been going to a chiropractor. I've also been talking with a local attorney that was recommended by a good friend.

Readers of the Future

Here's a song I wrote last night, inspired by something Paul told me many years ago (ed.-someone chastised me a few months ago for not saying who Paul is, if you need to know look at my little description of this page over on the far right)

Paul's books were on a series of small publishing houses. When I met him he was writing a book called Rock and Roll: the One Hundred Best Singles and he didn't actually have a publisher for it. Apparently he'd had one in England but somehow that had fallen through about half way through the writing of the book.

At any rate, I asked Paul if the lack of a current publisher or the prospects of being on a small one had an effect on his writing or finishing of the book. Not at all he said. His answer was honest and deliberate, something he'd worked out and set to work in his brain, and was able access in the face of any doubt. He said he could "feeeel the future readers" as he wrote the words. As though they were reading them as he was writing them. And that was the thing that spurred him on.

In fact, the stunning thing about the way Paul worked was he had little interest in where the book might end up, that was something he'd work out once the writing was done. And then when it was done, he'd be on to some new writing and let go of the economic hopes or failings of the last one. All that mind-kipple never seemed to impede his progress.

The painting of Paul is by Drew Snyder.